As a result, I have nothing entertaining, enlightening, or edifying to contribute to the world today because I’m too pooped and I seem to have lost some manner of brain cells. But I do vow to get my act together in the future and return with guns ablazin’ pardners. Sometime, anyway. Just let me get a little nap first....

               The above entry was composed several months ago (on an obvious sugar high) and left to fester on my hard drive to await posting. Unfortunately, I was almost immediately thrust into a full-time position and lost all possibility of updating with any regularity whatsoever. I’ve included it as a prelude tonight to simply underline the difference in tone that a few months of living like a ‘normal person’ can bring about. You see, I’ve been doing the 9 to 5 steady job thing - well, not really, since I work mostly evenings, but I digress - for 9 months now and it’s beginning to wear on me in a serious way. I’m not good at it. Oh, I don’t mean the job itself- I’m damn good at that of course - but the routine, the mundane quality, the steady drip drip, tick-tock of a humble, stable existence is quickly shaving off years of my life expectancy. I’m getting restless and I can hear the shackles rattling as they grope for my unfettered wrists. This is how it starts. Out of sheer necessity, you take the option that is presented and follow through almost willingly, eager to do your citizenly duty, and &/or eke out some sort of sustenance only to find yourself suddenly 5 or 10 years down the road with nothing to show for it except a few material comforts and a possible, but by no means probable, sense of security. Your life just seeps past you and all the wonder and thrill of living is leeched from your skin like blood.

               Ick. The melancholy. I know. I’m just having a reaction to the word ‘ordinary’. I’ve recently found myself being pushed/pulled up this ladder of corporate-like, bureaucratic-minded accomplishment with no real input on my part. You do well, people expect you to keep progressing. Then words like management training and promotion start to creep into conversations and you don’t fight it because your natural instincts for achievement start to kick in and you almost literally cannot back down from your own ‘betterment’. That sort of talk usually includes more money and since that’s something very few of us can afford to turn down, you go along. Pretty soon, you’ve got a hefty salary with benefits that other people would kill for and you are trapped because you can’t throw away that kind of opportunity. Then comes the new car lease, the new house, a perfectly normal marriage and 2.5 kids. By then, you have to pay for day-care and doctors, you’ve acquired a mortgage payment, etc. You start talking about your retirement fund and college tuition saving accounts and it’s all over with before you can even blink. Uggh, man. I so do not want to go out that way.

               I know, I know. You people are shaking your heads and making that little tsk tsking noise. Why wouldn’t someone want all that-- that’s what people do, that’s the kind of thing people work for, hope for, plan for. I realize that. And you know what? That’s great. That’s wonderful. I sincerely hope that every person on this round world gets that if it’s something they want. As a matter of fact, here...take mine. I’ll share. But it just isn’t for me. At least not right now. Talk to me in 5 years and maybe it’ll sound like paradise, but as of now I’m just not ready for it. I’m so close to bolting it’s not even funny. If it weren’t for my serious obligations, even more serious bills, and the fact that I’m actually enjoying my ‘temporary’ job (damn the luck), I’d be out of here so fast the tire marks would be visible for decades.

               But alas, I can’t do it. There’s just no way at the moment. I’m stuck for the time being and who knows when I’ll be able to make good my escape.

               David and Dustin (the two most important men in my life besides Daddy of course) have always said that I must forget about settling for anything. I am (or was) special and my potential would never be fulfilled as long as my life was sane and dependable. They said I had to make things happen, force the universe to acknowledge me, not just for myself, but for all those nameless, faceless people who will never have the chance or the power to do so themselves. Sounds nice and encouraging, but I just realized something. Now I'm not just failing myself, I’m failing untold legions of the mediocre.

               Insert dramatic sigh.

               So, fellow sharers, I’m bummed. I’m stagnating in a quagmire of my own inadequacy and the smell is beginning to overwhelm me. Much like the stench of the current pity-party I’m throwing here. But hey, you can’t be perky and unsinkable all the time. There are days when the stench must be vented and the burden of fanning the aroma has fallen on your shoulders. My sincerest apologies.

               In the spirit of hoping for the best, I plan on whining about my life only occasionally and the next post will have a much more buoyant mood. Either that or I’ll be too drunk to care.

Just kidding.

Next Time: Why John Denver Is My Hero (And No I’m Not Kidding)